Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
SSC: safe, sane, and consensual
In my own relationship, yes, we do keep things safe, sane and consensual. This blog is one of the ways that we do this. Discussing limits, safe words, boundaries, and keeping the discussion ongoing are ways to try to keep our kinky play SSC. When limits are met or anyone is uncomfortable, play stops.
But sometimes, the discomfort is what we’re looking for. For Cricket it’s the humiliation aspect. For me- rape play has always been a fantasy. Is it ethical to call you wife a dirty cum slut or to hold your girlfriend down, wrestle and fuck me if we ask you to? I’m still getting used to how to navigate going after Cricket with the Hitachi when she’s saying no, no, no and squirming away from me. Do I keep going because this is part of the play or do I stop because the woman I love is telling me no? I can see how kink can get into a gray zone ethically.
“…in the BDSM community we often like to say that, yea, we sit down and negotiate everything in advance. I have found that, in reality, there are a surprising number of people in the BDSM community who do not. And, that’s a goal that we strive for and a lot of people in the BDSM community do give lip service to the idea of consent without being, I think, serious enough about it. The assault that triggered my live journal post took place in the BDSM community and, in that particular case, there was consent to one set of activities and there absolutely was not any negotiation or consent to a separate set of activities that then took place when she was tied up…. They had negotiated one specific thing which was a specific type of rope play and then, after my friend had been tied up then he decided he would take advantage of the opportunity for sexual intercourse. After she came forward with it, a number of other people in the BDSM community actually stepped forward and said that the same things had happened to them as well… what I would like to see in the BDSM community, particularly because it’s a community that values consent so much, is a greater understanding that, if you haven’t talked about it, if you haven’t negotiated it, the answer is no until you get a yes.” Franklin Veaux
“The thing that separates BDSM from abuse is consent… the best thing we can do is to give people clear sets of guidelines. Yes means yes is affirmative, active consent that means ‘I am giving you permission to do these things’ or ‘I am interested in doing these things with you.’ That way everybody knows where they’re going.” Joreth
This episode brings up a new area of kink that I just hadn’t thought about. In my relationship we discuss overall concepts and, prior to really starting anything new, we discuss it. But, in the beginning of the relationship it was a ‘let’s try this and see if the other person likes it’ type of attitude. For us this has worked, but after listening to this episode, I realize that we may have been lucky. When Corwin brought out a knife the first time, I had not consented to it but I had not not consented to it. I ended up loving it, but now I’m wondering, what if I hadn’t? Does the option of a safeword or using ‘yellow’ or ‘red’ obviate the need to explicitly discuss what can and can’t be done or is that a way of keeping the conversation going without losing the mood of the scene? Minx talks about how, if she had to explicitly say yes to every little thing, it would be a turnoff and I agree. But, that being said, there needs to be some manner of consent. Do we have a yes-means-yes stance in our triad?
With my interest in rape-play/ ravishing (I hate both of those terms. I like the term consensual nonconsent although that has another, more common use of a type of blanket consent in a D/s relationship- NOT what I’m looking for), Corwin brought a blog post to my attention that I am still trying to figure out my feelings about. Here’s an excerpt from Consensual Nonconsent from aslutsmemoir.com. I chose a few paragraphs that definitely don’t tell her whole story but, hopefully, help illustrate some of my mixed feelings on the subject.
“Appropriate screening took place and safety measures were taken, but that is a lot of writing. I will just skip all of that and say that we arranged to meet. I walked into this with the full knowledge that this man would most likely scare me and hopefully rape me. That was the entire point. The added element of danger was really making me hot. I thought I was prepared……He told me that this was not a game. He started talking about all the things he was going to do to me, describing them in detail. Some actually made me moan, but most made me struggle. Many of them were things that were expressly off limits for this scene. Horrible images began to flood my mind, and I turned away. Pain made me look back. He told me I was a worthless, filthy cunt and that I deserved everything that I was about to get…He informed me that there was no such thing as a safeword and nothing I could say or do would save me now. I looked pleadingly into those eyes, searching for any sign that he was playing. There was none. In fact what I saw gave me no doubt that I was in serious trouble. I started to shake…I told him I removed my consent.That actually got a laugh from him. He told me he was going to do whatever he wanted to me, and he wanted me to not give consent. He wanted to take it from me. He wanted me to say no, and the less l liked something the harder it would make him. As if to prove his point, he hurt me some more, just for fun. Every time I cried out, the pain increased. He told me that now that I knew what he really thought about me to believe that he did not give a shit about me……I immediately started begging again, bargaining that I would do anything he said and cooperate if he only put on a condom.“Do you want me to fuck you?”Still, despite the fear, I had to admit the truth. “Yes, Sir, but with a condom.”He slipped his cock to the entrance of my cunt. “What does this feel like?”“This is rape,” I said seriously, looking at him directly…… He rolled onto the other side of the bed and left me laying there, panting. My eyes were still wide open, but staring unfocused at the ceiling. I still did not move. After a few minutes he asked what I was thinking. I thought about my answer for a minute. I had a hurricane of thoughts in my head. The words came out “I am hoping that this is a game and that you had a condom on, Sir.” I was still too afraid to make him angry.“You may clean my cock.” After a microscopic hesitation, I moved. If this is real, I better do what he says. When I saw the condom, I looked up at his face. He was grinning. Not the evil, demented face, but the friendly, easy-going guy I met when I first walked in.I grinned too. I knew there was a reason I picked this guy. His skills and experience had taken me where I wanted to go. He had given me exactly what I was looking for, using only his two hands, words, and my own mind against me.”